I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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