I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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