I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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