He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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