just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just blew my weed a kiss
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
