I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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