I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
