I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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