so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
