Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
