we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
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I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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