My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
