My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
