But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
