I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
