Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
