Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
