I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
