I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
