My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
