onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
