i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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