People in love make me want to vomit
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
