I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
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It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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