I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This is the high leading the old right now
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
