If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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