Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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