I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
