I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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