My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
