someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
