I can text with my tongue
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i out mim tonsoeep
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