my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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