Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
