I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
