Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I checked into jail on foursquare
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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