I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
