so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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