We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
