Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
