I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
