What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
