can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
