bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
