I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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