I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
