She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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