Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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