Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
