nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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