haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
