I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
