Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
