You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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