She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
