He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
