exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
