Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Come see our sink grown plant.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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